that getting old would actually lead to a small crisis for me. I have always thought that I would "age" in good faith and be a happy person.

In fact I have days that totally throw me off. Where every look in the mirror equals a nightmare and I don't want to leave the house , go anywhere, least anywhere "young" people go. Which is utterly stupid, but I can't control it. It's also unfair to my boyfriend who doesn't really understand that. But how could he, first of all he is 6 years younger than me and then he is a man. Men are allowed to grow chubby when they get older, they are allowed to have grey hair, some would even go as far as saying greying hair makes them more attractive. Men are also allowed to have lines in their face, supposedly that makes their faces interesting.

I, as a woman, am supposed to always look young, vibrant, beautiful. But hey. I don't, and I am not.

Granted the times I feel like this are still rare occasions, but they are there, and they are here to stay.

I know that there is more important things in life. And ever since my illness I don't care that I have doubled my size. I know what's important is to be alive, and not what size I am. I know that with the illnesses I still have and the medication I am supposed to take I will never be "that young and thin" woman I used to be. And nobody really has ever made a stupid comment, or anything. It's in me. I am the one. And it's of no use that "I know better".

I will just have to live with it, won't I?